A Plea for Forgiveness

Look at these gorgeous British lads. The top 4 look like any shaggy group from the 70s although sporting less facial hair. But check out that freaky dude on the bottom. He alone tips them from rock band over the cliff into the land of prog rock. What is going on here, Mr. Gabriel? How do you go from this (granted it's not a great start) to "Sledgehammer?" And you, Mr. Collins. How do you go from Genesis' bib overall wearing drummer to lead singer of the group that produced grade A stinkers like "I Can't Dance" and "Land of Confusion?" It's a pretty stunning decline from the glorious prog rock majesty of Foxtrot and Selling England by the Pound. Those albums are truly incredible if you can stand 23 minute suites about Revelation with passages in 9/8 time or songs about characters named "Bob the Knob." The 80s were not kind to the members of Genesis. Just ask Mothra about the travesty that is "Red Rain" and you will be met with a series of guttural groans and a diatribe on the utter worthlessness of Peter Gabriel. Phil Collins won over no one with his acting gig as the lovable scamp "Buster" in the titular film and Mike Rutherford was responsible for "The Living Years," which somehow reached number one on the Billboard charts. Please don't judge them on these sad statistics or that embarrassing picture alone and give their noodly indulgent years a chance. I promise you'll like them more than "Throwing it All Away." How could you not?

Linda Perry is the Devil

I have this little co-worker CK. She is small and very funny. She likes to sing along with the radio. She even likes to sing along when the radio is not on. Her voice is not great and often it is pretty atonal but her enthusiasm is boundless and genuine and it wins me over almost every time. The radio listened to here at work is not my choice and it typically ends up on some sort of mix station where the songs I like come as often as a bullet in Russian Roulette. There are a few songs that pop up now and then that are now off limits for sing-alongs per my request. These include, but are not limited to: "Kokomo" that infernal late period hit by the Beach Boys. "Everybody Wang Chung Tonight" an inexplicable hit from the 80s when seemingly every other song in the top 40 was some bizarre experiment which would rightfully never see the light of day in today's pop market. Say what you will about the sorry state of modern radio but at least we don't have to be inundated with nonsense like Wang Chung unless of course you are stuck in mix station land, as I am, where they seem to think this is still a great tune. One last song I want to point out as a guaranteed day ruiner is that goddamn "What's Goin' On" song by 4 Non Blondes. Everyone hates it. Everyone. Trust me, I asked around, but once it gets stuck in your head, it will bury itself like a tick and not even tweezers and rubbing alcohol will remove it. The stubborn chorus will stay behind, leaving you with those mind numbingly bad lyrics playing on repeat as you wish your collection of pens and pencils also had an icepick to jam in your ear. This one came on today and instantly was added to the "Do Not Sing" list but because Satan wrote it with a perfect understanding of how to write a melody that will embed itself into one's brain, CK found herself singing the chorus over and over again very loudly. As annoyed as I was to hear it again it paled in comparison to the self hatred it stirred in her. It's one thing to sing songs others hate but to find yourself singing a song you yourself hate - that truly is the work of the devil.

The Jazz Purge

I remember when I was in college, I was being exposed to all sorts of new sounds and falling head over heels in love with each and everyone of them at a pretty rapid pace. Old timey country, blues, opera, modern classical, funk and jazz. Indie rock was still my mainstay but I was happy to fill my ears with a wild assortment of new noises. At one point in my Sophomore year, I found myself sick to death of all that boring indie rock and all the old standards I had relied on for years and wanted to sell my entire cd collection and start over fresh. I remember Frank Black's album "The Cult of Ray" as being the impetus for this desired purging. A major disappointment from an artist I thought I could rely on came at the exact right time to highlight what was lacking in my music choices.

I never did sell everything but it started me on a path of constant evaluation, reconsideration and revision of my music collection. It seems lately that every 3 months I am checking the shelves and pulling out the dead weight. I'm not someone who wants a showpiece, I want a vital, active collection that actually gets listened to. Nostalgia affects me as much as anyone, if not more, but I don't want to hang on to too many cds simply for sentimental value when I will never actually listen to them. I've gotten to the point where a memory is good enough.

So during my most recent journey through the stacks, I made significant discovery. I don't care for jazz very much. In college I fell for it hard - every era had something to offer me whether it was hard bop, swing, free or even fusion but over the years I find myself listening to it less and less. There are a number of reasons for its fall from grace, including:

1. No guitars. Unless you're way into Wes Montgomery (I'm not) or *shudder* John Pizzarelli, you're not going to get much guitar action in your typical plunk plunk toot music. I have recently accepted my addiction to and slavery to the guitar and jazz guitar just doesn't feed the sickness.

2. Too many damn solos. If Phish and the rest of the sea of jam band losers are acceptable to mock mercilessly, why not jazzbos? Whether on a guitar, flute or alto sax, wankery is still wankery.

3. No words. I like a melody to sing along with and it's hard to sing a jumpy little trumpet line for long without feeling alittle bit insane.

4. Terrible reissue nonsense. I like jazz but I don't love it which is too bad because many lables like to include alternate takes on their reissues. This wouldn't be such a problem were they to put the Take 3 version after the official release but they don't. Both Impulse and Blue Note, and others I'm sure, like to mix them right into the album so you sometimes get back to back versions of the same song. It's not a hobby of mine to play spot the difference between Bobby Timmons' solo during two different versions of "Sincerely Diana."

I'm not getting rid of all of it, I'm just cutting off the fat. The albums I'm excising have become background music and I feel guilty not giving them my full attention when listening but I just don't have any interest in putting them on these days. Maybe when I'm older I'll get my attention span back.

Arts n Farts n Crafts

Tonite we celebrate the avant garde pop stars, the misunderstood, the strange ones, the off key singers, the warblers, the vagrants and the unwashed. A musical feast for the whole family.

Talking Heads - Artists Only
Need New Body - Show Me Your Heart
Daniel Johnston - Sad Sac + Tarzan

Animal Collective - Leaf House
Thinking Fellers Union Local 282 - Millions of Years
Blek Ink - Don't Take Too Long
Gastr Del Sol - Thos. Dudley Ah! Old Must Dye

Bonny "Prince" Billy - Apocalypse, No
Akron/Family - Running, Returning
Nick Drake - Bryter Layter (partial), Hazy Jane I
Palace Brothers - Come A Little Dog

Truman's Water - Death to Dead Things
Panoply Academy Legionnaires - Do You (Want to) Grind?
Liars - Brocken Witch

Velvet Underground - Lady Godiva's Operation
The Microphones - The Glow, Pt 2
Les Savy Fav - I.C. Timer
My Bloody Valentine - Loomer

Nico - No One is There
Raincoats - Shouting Out Loud
Magnetic Fields - Kings

Devo - Smart Patrol / Mr. DNA
Patti Smith - Redondo Beach
Neutral Milk Hotel - Marching Theme
Bobby Conn - Virginia Split

Sonic Youth - The Burning Spear
Radiohead - Like Spinning Plates
Syd Barrett - If It's In You

Matmos - The Struggle Against Unreality Begins

Shut Out!

So I turn on my computer today and jump on the internet only to have my greatest wishes crushed within seconds. Right there on my home page, Yahoo! (sadly my only source for world news), is the headline "12 Classic Movie Monsters." Finally, some front page recognition. So I click the link, as I advise you to do by clickling the title of this post, and right off the bat are the two classics, King King and Godzilla. No quibbles there. I mean, they're the salt and pepper (or Salt 'n' Pepa) of the monster kingdom. I think I speak for both Mothra and myself when I say I can only dream of getting a whiff of their pant legs so they're on top and rightly so but I continue on, hoping to at least crack the top 10. For those too lazy to click the link, I will review the remaining 10 here from awesomest to anti-awesomest:

The Balrog - Nerds unite and celebrate how unbelievably cool this monster of smoke and fire looked on the movie screen. A giant space turtle can inspire awe in most puny humans but this thing steals Godzilla's lunch money while the rest of us monsters just turn our heads and hope he doesn't come after us next.
The Sandworms of Arrakis - Supercool and absolutely terrifying in the books. Plus they somehow managed to keep their supercoolness in the movie version even while everything else was sucking around them. Sting in that metal codpiece with the oily, oily skin was frightening enough to make this list if you ask me.
The Blob - No arguments here. Squishy and deadly, an efficient killing machine.
Nancy Archer - Giant women are always welcome in the monster handbook.
The T Rex - Can't deny this veracious predator although it loses a few points for becoming extinct twice in the history of the universe.
Various Dragons - Yes dragons are pretty neat but choosing a flight of nameless dragons over a single, brilliantly named humongous Moth? How could they?
The Kraken - Good name, good old skool effects, lame fighting techniques led it to lose to Harry Hamlin on a Pegasus. Pfffft!
Quetzalcoatl - Seriously? This thing made the list? The author of the article never even saw the movie. Let me let you in on a little secret - this creature doesn't even get to park the cars at the annual monster meetings. "Top 12" my clawed foot!
The Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man - If you are over 8 years old, this joker shouldn't be anywhere near your list.
Unnamed Huge Mutant Creature - I won't acknowledge this choice and I won't respond to it.

So as you can imagine, Mothra and I are a bit miffed at this terrible compilation. Where is the love? I didn't fly millions of space miles to destroy various cities on this tiny planet just to be insulted by some slackjawed EW Online weasel. I demand justice. Evil monster justice.

Cloth on You

Weezer - Undone - The Sweater Song
The New Pornographers - Falling Through Your Clothes
Prince - Rasberry Beret

Sonic Youth - Dirty Boots
Black Sabbath - Jack the Stripper/Fairies Wear Boots
Bob Dylan - Boots of Spanish Leather

Stephen Malkmus - No More Shoes
Akron/Family - Shoes

They Might Be Giants - Nightgown of the Sullen Moon
Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention - Take Your Clothes Off When You Dance
The Magnetic Fields - Underwear
Ex-Models - Brand New Panties

Beck - Feather In Your Cap
Yo La Tengo - Autumn Sweater
Spoon - Fitted Shirt

The Clash - All the Young Punks (New Boots and Contracts)
Boyracer - My New Shoes
Paul Simon - Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes

Elvis Costello and the Attractions - Green Shirt
Tom Waits - Pasties and a G String
Gram Parsons - The New Soft Shoe

Joe Bennett and the Sparkletones - Black Slacks
Neko Case - Soulful Shade of Blue
The Mountain Goats - Thanks for the Dress
Nick Drake - Clothes of Sand

Fugazi - Nice New Outfit
The Dukes of Stratosphear - Your Gold Dress

Jeremy Enigk - Shade and the Black Hat

Star Fuckers - January 6, 2008

Our first battle of the new year! It was a fierce one as we traded snaps regarding celebrities. Politicians, musicians, former brainwashed militants, dead movie stars and more all made appearances during this exploration through song of the jetset lifestyles of the rich & famous. Let's reminisce...

Mountain Goats - You're So Vain
Islands - Don't Call Me Whitney, Bobby
The Ramones - My Brain is Hanging Upside Down (Bonzo Goes to Bitburg)
Yo La Tengo - Tom Courtenay

Tullycraft - The Lives of Cleopatra
Modest Mouse - Bukowski
Billy Bragg and Wilco - Ingrid Bergman

Wesley Willis - Kurt Cobain
Nirvana - Francis Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle
Jonathan Richman & the Modern Lovers - Pablo Picasso
David Bowie - Lady Stardust

Frank Black - Two Reelers
TMBG - Meet James Ensor
Dead Milkmen - Going to Graceland
Sebadoh - The Freed Pig

Neil Young - Pocahontas
The Kinks - Victoria
The Clash - The Right Profile
Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks - Jo Jo's Jacket

Archers of Loaf - Ethel Merman
Misfits - She
The Dead Kennedys - California Uber Alles
Fugazi - Cassavetes

Sonic Youth - Tunic (Song for Karen)
Unrest - Cath Caroll
Smudge - Don't Want To Be Grant McLennan

The Pogues - Jesse James
Mississippi John Hurt - Casey Jones
Matthew Sweet - Winona

Sufjan Stevens - John Wayne Gacy jr.