Judging an Album by Its Cover

When I was younger, I knew a boy so rich his house was monogrammed. The first time I met him he was bouncing on a trampoline in his backyard and firing a BB gun into the air. I was afraid for my life. Their family was unlike any I had ever met. Their father was a brain surgeon and was rarely home but when he was, it was best to clear out. They not only had a pool and jacuzzi but a tennis court and horses. It was always a strange visit.

One time his older brother, who was reportedly a stripper, came home just long enough to show off his cool sunglasses (which he was wearing inside the house) and to beat the hell out of the kid I knew. There was also a younger brother who it later turned out was actually a nephew since the father was not the brain surgeon but the stripper. I could go on about the terrible tales from that house but the whole point in me relaying this story is to say there was another brother who was obsessed with snakes, so much so that he once bought an Alice Cooper album simply because it had a snake on the cover. I can't remember which one it was but I hope for his sake it was Killer and not Constrictor.
I thought it was so stupid to buy a record simply based on the album art. What if you ended up with some piece of junk? What a waste of money. I doubted he even listened to the cassette he purchased which just infuriated me more. I later became fascinated with the world of Incredibly Strange Music and learned there were serious benefits to buying albums solely because they had insane covers but at the time I didn't get it at all. While I still won't buy a cd by an unknown band with a cool cover, it can cause me to investigate further and a good album cover from an artist I already like can make the anticipation that much sweeter. M. Ward's new disc drops tomorrow and I can't wait to hear it but nothing compares to the hyperexcitement caused by the new Neko Case cover.
This one I'd buy for the picture alone. What musical treasures could possibly lurk within?

Who Greenlighted This?

For the past few years, Pitchfork has listed their choices for Worst Album Covers of the Year and it is always full of horrifying examples of art direction and misguided creativity. In my world, cover art has never been a factor in whether or not I buy an album. I typically am already interested in a cd when I go to purchase it and if the album cover is particularly ugly, it doesn't affect the outcome of the transaction. I also never, ever have bought a record just because of the cover although I did once know a boy who purchased an Alice Cooper cassette simply to get the picture of the snake on the front. Thankfully, in the age of Google Images, he can now save his $5.98 (plus tax) and download all the snake photos he wants.

This Wolf Parade album cover is so horrendous, so utterly devoid of beauty, so far removed from a quality control specialist that even though I wanted to hear it, and possibly buy it, I refused to even go near it. Certain to win top honors in the ugly album cover contest of 2008, you have to wonder who was minding the store when this was sent to Graphics for final processing. The album title At Mount Zoomer is bad enough (lazy too since Mount Zoomer is the name of one of the facilities used on the recording of the album) but this cover makes me question the band's sanity and the music within. And here it is:

All Music Guide has a fascinating blog entry about LP covers designed Christopher Whorf who I had never heard about. Obviously given free reign, he made some perplexing and striking album covers for classical records in the 70s that have very little to do with the music. And if you like a little doobie in your funk, make sure you check out post number two on this bizarre and possibly quite mad album cover artist. The examples they write about are absolutely amazing.

Weezer's Steady Decline in Four Self Portraits

Weezer (1994) - An inauspicious start to be sure. Who were these geeks on the cover? You couldn't tell right away which one was the singer or which one was the drummer. They didn't look like rock stars or poseurs, just a semi-motley crue against a pale blue background. The album was a wonderful collection of summery pop and crunchy guitars. They were one hit wonders who somehow kept having hits.

Weezer (2001) - 7 years on, Weezer still look geeky but that lightning bolt on the guitar strap screams rock star. Also, the font is way too big and the green is sickly and makes me think of pea soup. No good. Who's that unkempt guy on the left? And where did that short haired guy go? You know, the one with the great high pitched voice who sang backup and looked good in a tight sweater in the Buddy Holly video. Oh, he left? Did he take all the good songs with him? Not completely as this had some winners but nothing anyone says will convince me that "Hash Pipe" is a good song. Not even John Darnielle.

Make Believe (2005) - What the hell is going on here? Weezer's journey through the looking glass. I don't know anything about this album. Apparently "Beverly Hills" was a hit but who cared by this point? And once again, there's some new guy on the cover. Weezer go through bass players like Spinal Tap went through drummers. Plus, they all seem to be glowing for some reason. I kind of like the black but it's all too overstyled and pretentious. Would it kill them to smile?

Weezer (2008) - Nothing could prepare the world for this hellish cover. Occasionally albums are purchased based on cover images alone but in this MP3 world, this is certainly a rare instance but couldn't they at least try? Weezer have officially thrown in the towel with this monstrosity. If you're not horrified by Rivers' paunch and moustache, you aren't paying attention. And that creepy Serpico imitator on the left? With elbow patches? Seriously? Looks like that tough guy bassist is still with them these days and he's now cocking his head to the left displaying his range of emotion. This most likely is not their last album but where do you go from here?

Roger Dean, Eat Your Heart Out

How serendipitous to visit the Onion AV Club today and see this feature list. I've only heard 2 of these 18 albums but instead of inspiring ridicule, this list just made me curious to hear the other 16. See how bad my sickness is? My favorite line - "what's with progressive-rock albums and their obsession with vanishing points?"