He Walked With the Zombies

I'm currently nearing the end of Max Brooks' mostly fantastic novel World War Z. If you're unfamiliar with the book let me just hit you with the subtitle "An Oral History of the Zombie War." Intrigued? Max's first book was the self-explanatory The Zombie Survival Guide which was so well researched and handy that I can't believe he didn't win the Pulitzer for self help books. If you're still less than interested, I can't help you but trust me, his mad obsession makes for fascinating books and I can't help but believe it is all consuming. Both books seem like works of non-fiction, so much so that I worry for Mr. Brooks' sanity and wonder where he could possibly go next. Moan, Grunt, Moooooan: The Diary of the World's Last Zombie?

So I'm reading this crazy book as it traces the timeline from first infections to near human annihilation by the zombie masses to reorganizing of the armed forces and finally all out warfare where every able bodied citizen participates in some way to the common goal of a zombie holocaust when I came across this gem where Todd, an American military soldier, speaks about the new armed forces:

"...the new faces, they could have been from anywhere: your neighbor, your aunt, that geeky substitute teacher, or that fat, lazy slob at the DMV. From former insurance salesman to a guy who I'm damn sure was Michael Stipe, although I never got him to admit it."

I love this passage. It shows just how desperate things have gotten when Michael Stipe picks up a gun and goes on the warpath for the living dead. Think global, act local, right Michael? This part also makes me think of the great Roky Erickson cover R.E.M. recorded years ago, "I Walked With a Zombie." I remember drifting off the sleep listening to WHFS (r.i.p.) when this came on and shocked me awake. It makes me long for the days when R.E.M. deserved breathless, who-needs-sleep adulation. And if you go walking with a zombie, please remember that simple decapitation is not enough - you really need to crush the brain.

Shut Out!

So I turn on my computer today and jump on the internet only to have my greatest wishes crushed within seconds. Right there on my home page, Yahoo! (sadly my only source for world news), is the headline "12 Classic Movie Monsters." Finally, some front page recognition. So I click the link, as I advise you to do by clickling the title of this post, and right off the bat are the two classics, King King and Godzilla. No quibbles there. I mean, they're the salt and pepper (or Salt 'n' Pepa) of the monster kingdom. I think I speak for both Mothra and myself when I say I can only dream of getting a whiff of their pant legs so they're on top and rightly so but I continue on, hoping to at least crack the top 10. For those too lazy to click the link, I will review the remaining 10 here from awesomest to anti-awesomest:

The Balrog - Nerds unite and celebrate how unbelievably cool this monster of smoke and fire looked on the movie screen. A giant space turtle can inspire awe in most puny humans but this thing steals Godzilla's lunch money while the rest of us monsters just turn our heads and hope he doesn't come after us next.
The Sandworms of Arrakis - Supercool and absolutely terrifying in the books. Plus they somehow managed to keep their supercoolness in the movie version even while everything else was sucking around them. Sting in that metal codpiece with the oily, oily skin was frightening enough to make this list if you ask me.
The Blob - No arguments here. Squishy and deadly, an efficient killing machine.
Nancy Archer - Giant women are always welcome in the monster handbook.
The T Rex - Can't deny this veracious predator although it loses a few points for becoming extinct twice in the history of the universe.
Various Dragons - Yes dragons are pretty neat but choosing a flight of nameless dragons over a single, brilliantly named humongous Moth? How could they?
The Kraken - Good name, good old skool effects, lame fighting techniques led it to lose to Harry Hamlin on a Pegasus. Pfffft!
Quetzalcoatl - Seriously? This thing made the list? The author of the article never even saw the movie. Let me let you in on a little secret - this creature doesn't even get to park the cars at the annual monster meetings. "Top 12" my clawed foot!
The Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man - If you are over 8 years old, this joker shouldn't be anywhere near your list.
Unnamed Huge Mutant Creature - I won't acknowledge this choice and I won't respond to it.

So as you can imagine, Mothra and I are a bit miffed at this terrible compilation. Where is the love? I didn't fly millions of space miles to destroy various cities on this tiny planet just to be insulted by some slackjawed EW Online weasel. I demand justice. Evil monster justice.