Blow Your Harmonica, Son

Years ago, I lived in Baltimore and while there I saw many, many concerts. These days, I'm lucky if I see 3 or 4 a year, but back when I was fresh out of school and had not yet reproduced, I had a lot more time to visit cramped clubs just so I could further ruin my hearing and end up stinking like cigarette smoke and stale beer. As I said, I saw lots of shows during that time, many of them great, but none stand out in my memory as much as the one I saw on the night of June 5, 2000.

Why so memorable? So many reasons. First, it was at Pier 6 in Baltimore, an outdoor venue right on the water of the Inner Harbor so it was a lovely place to be on a Summer evening. Second, it was free. Somehow, my friend Dylan had scored 2 free tickets to the show through a friend of a friend so we didn't have to pay $30 like the rest of the suckers. Last and most importantly, the lineup was stellar: Blaque, Eiffel 65, Sonique, Vitamin C, Hanson and Jessica Simpson. I know! Superawesome, right?

Not sure if we could stomach a full evening of slick radio pop, we showed up fashionably late. As we walked toward the harbor, the sweet sounds of Vitamin C's megahit "Graduation Song" filled the air. Wordlessly, we turned to each other with horrified looks on our faces. There was no way we were going to miss "Graduation Song." Dylan and I sprinted toward the gate, fumbling for our tickets, hoping to catch at least the last few seconds of this masterpiece but no luck. We hadn't even entered the venue and already the night was marred by tragedy. The roar of the crowd let us know that what we feared most was actually happening - Vitamin C had finished her set and was leaving the stage. We didn't even get a glimpse of her Kool-Aid Orange hair.

Finally, we were allowed to enter the pavilion and the sight nearly turned us right around. The place was swarming with preteen girls. It was like sticking your head into a hornet's nest full of TRL fans. Strange, candy scented perfumes filled the air and seemingly each and every girl had a glow stick in hand. Were they given out at the door and if so, why didn't I get one? We felt extremely awkward immediately and tried not to make eye contact with any of them for fear of being misconstrued as some sort of weird perverts hanging out at the Hanson show hoping to find a date. I spotted a few parents trying to fade into the background and that just made me feel weirder as I made my way to my seat. "Who are these two goons and why are they here to corrupt our daughters," I imagined them thinking. Dylan and I took our places and stood perfectly still, staring straight ahead and wishing that the next band would start already for Chrissakes!

Hanson erupted onto the stage and blew my mind. This was some sort of pop attack showcase so each artist was only allowed a very short set. The Hanson boys made the most of their sliver of time and knocked the crowd out with a tight, near-perfect lineup of "MMM Bop" madness and hot harmonica action. Isaac or Taylor or whichever one is the pretty lead singer wailed on that thing to the delight of myself and the rest of the crowd. My knees nearly buckled as they absolutely killed a nasty blues workout and educated those kids on what real music is like. For a brief shining moment, the dirty south broke through the plastic sheen of the evening only to be quickly whisked away as Hanson's time was up. Inside I screamed for more as the brothers left the stage. Only the sight of 10,000 glow sticks shaking in the night brought me back to reality so I kept my mouth shut for fear of drawing attention to Dylan and me, the weird Narcs in row 38.

The closing set of the night was provided by Jessica Simpson. At the time, I had no idea who she was. This was before her renaissance as a reality tv queen and Chicken of the Sea aficionado. To me, she was just another interchangeable female pop star but the 12 year olds surrounding me would have had no trouble picking her from a lineup. After the glow of Hanson, there was really no reason to stick around but Dylan and I decided to give the girl a chance. Jessica came out in some bizarre school girlish outfit which did nothing to help me feel more comfortable in this setting. She had a white shirt tied in a knot at her stomach and a black leather skirt. As the crowd squealed, she paraded around the stage smiling stupidly and nodding at the sea of fans writhing before her. I was starting to sweat. We didn't belong here. We probably never should have come in the first place but how could I say no to such a spectacle? The programmed beats started up and Jessica began to sing a song that was so completely bland and forgettable that I couldn't remember it even while it was playing. There was absolutely nothing keeping us here at this point yet we still couldn't bring ourselves to leave since I didn't really want to wade through a sea of dancing kids, bobbing and weaving around the bouncing glowsticks and flopping ponytails, desperately trying to find the exit. But then she started spanking her own ass and we had to get the hell out of there.