This One's For the Kids at The Gaming Zone

I was called out in the comments section of a recent post. I was told by Dustin to "practice up" on my Rock Band skills. Dustin is returning to Vermont in exactly one month so I've got a limited number of days to prepare myself. I'm currently obsessed with the Hard mode on Guitar Hero III and have slowly made my way to the final stage. Stage 7 nearly beat me down as it is full of terrible songs I have never heard like "Stricken" by Disturbed, songs with insane time signatures such as "3's and 7's" by Queens of the Stone Age or songs with absolutely killer runs of triplets like "Knights of Cydonia" by Muse. After numerous failures and jeers from the crowd, I entered Lou's Inferno which features extremely difficult songs by Metallica, Iron maiden and Eric Johnson. I managed to get through all of these but there is one remaining song that has broken me. It is "Raining Blood" by Slayer. Check out this video of the band playing it live:

Now I know that I'm not actually playing the song. I understand that I'm really only manipulating 5 brightly colored buttons on a plastic guitar and not actually playing the complex speed metal riffs you saw on this video but it's still incredibly difficult. I have no idea how I will ever fake my way through this song and can't even imagine what it will be like if I ever trick the game into letting me play it on Expert. Who are these people who are able to play the game at this level? Why don't they channel all that energy into something else? Why am I spending so much time practicing a fake instrument when I should be studying actual guitar music? Am I going to get my face handed to me when Dustin returns in May? I will keep you posted as the day draws near. Here's a video of some kid nearly acing a section of the song I can't even get to:

Maybe I need to start drinking Red Bull.

Joan Jett Gets Glasses

Joan Jett joins us again tonight and this time she has glasses! No longer will she stumble about in a blurry monster rage. Tonight, she hits her target first.

Radiohead - Reckoner

Hot Chip - No Fit State
Roxy Music - 2 H.B.

Dan Zanes - Washington at Valley Forge
The Who - The Kids Are Alright
Vampire Weekend - The Kids Don't Stand a Chance

R.E.M. - Bandwagon
Belle & Sebastian - If She Wants Me
Sloan - Everything You've Done Wrong

The New Pornographers - My Rights Versus Yours
Spoon - Don't Make Me a Target
The Beatles - When I'm Sixty-Four

Paul Simon - I Know What I Know
CCR - Looking Out My Back Door

The Strokes - The End Has No End
Kraftwerk - Dentaku
Stereolab - Infinity Girl

M Ward - Here Comes the Sun Again
Cat Power - Silver Stallion
The White Stripes - Hypnotize
Tom Waits - Hold On

Rooney - Blueside
Voxtrot - Firecracker
Ramones - The Return of Jackie and Judy

The Magnetic Fields - Drive On, Driver
Jonathan Richman - Affection
Sufjan Stevens - They are Night Zombies!! They Are Neighbors!! They Have Come Back From the Dead!! Ahhhh!

Sonic Youth - Pink Steam

Hulk Smash

I overheard a coworker talking about rock music today. Now I don't always agree with my coworkers' taste in music but I've come to a healthy place where I just swallow myself and allow the conversations around me to unfold as they normally would. No one wants a wet blanket always piping up saying, "You like this song?!?! Are you f-ing serious?!?! What could you possibly like about it? It is quite possibly the worst thing I have ever heard in my entire life and I grew up in a house where the Manheim Steamroller Christmas album was played on repeat!" So I keep my thoughts to myself. Actually, I quite like overhearing the conversations and though I occasionally disagree with their picks, they will often call me over saying, "They're playing your favorite song!" so I get up and run over the radio only to be pleasantly surprised that "Karma Chameleon" is getting some airtime. Yes, "Kokomo" does show up more often than I'd like but I've learned to enjoy the musical discussions of my coworkers and resist the urge to kill.

Until now, that is. Now, I grew up listening to rock but over the years I learned to appreciate most any genre of music and have a rabid obsession with music in general. But rock is my true love and I've re-realised that this past year as jazz and blues and more fall away and I watch rock rise to the top of my musical pile. I'm completely enamored with it in a way I haven't been in years. There was a fantastic Random Rules in the Onion A.V. Club a while back where they interviewed the drummer for Nada Surf about what was on his iPod. He describes himself as a "rock 'n' roll defender" and that's how I've felt lately. Maybe it's the countless hours spent playing the Guitar Hero collection and Rock Band but even cheesy classic rock sounds great to me now. Boston? Yes sir! ZZ Top? Gimme some more! Aerosmith? Mountain? Well, I didn't say I've lost all objectivity. Anyhow, I'm in love with rock and don't want anyone besmirching its good name.

So I overhear my coworker dismissing rock music as worthless. "There have been so many great essay written about the utter dreck that is rock." "It's just 2 chords over and over and appeals to the lowest common denominator." "The only reason it's written is for commercial purposes and therefore it's another example of the sad decline of humans." I was ready to kill. I spent the next 20 minutes stewing in my seat, creating arguments in my head about the various intelligent people who have fought for the respect of rock music, the numerous nerdy, math rocky, proggy bands that know 3, possibly 4, chords or the musicians who turn complex short stories into song lyrics and concept albums. How dare this person say such hurtful things? Then I realised that rock music doesn't care and these stupid statements weren't aimed at me or my record collection so I should just let it go. It was just another example about how the things that stress me out in life are typically the silly issues like this and the real problems of the world barely enter my consciousness. While the world frets about genocides and viral epidemics, I wage war against people who badmouth reality tv and anyone who even considers seeing "Be Kind Rewind." It was a good chance to check myself before I wrecked myself and accidentally fired someone. I've since calmed down a little bit about it but writing this entry has me all fired up again. I mean, seriously, who in their right mind would say something so hurtful like that?

Battle for the Earth Pt. 2 - Joan Jett's Revenge

Joan Jett returns for the third battle in a row. The year is 2632 and the battle rages on...

The Beatles - I'm Only Sleeping

Radiohead - Sail to the Moon
They Might be Giants - We Want a Rock
T Rex - Teenage Dream

Vampire Weekend - A-Punk
The Darkness - I Believe in a Thing Called Love

The Shivvers - Teen Line
Shout Out Louds - Tonight I Have to Leave it

The White Stripes - Hotel Yorba
The Gants - I Wonder

Zumpano - The Party Rages On
Crystal Castles vs. Goodbooks - Leni

Fountains of Wayne - Valley Winter Song
Tullycraft - 8 Great Ways

Wolf Parade - Fancy Claps
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! - Emily Jean Stock

The Shins - Phantom Limb
Kleenexgirlwonder - Amelia

Ratatat - Bustelo
Pinback - Manchuria
Belle & Sebastian - Step Into My Office, Baby

Polvo - Old Lystra
Andrew Bird - A Nervous Tic Motion of the Head to the Left

Olivia Tremor Control - Jumping Fences
The Minders - Yeah Yeah Yeah
Pavement Debris Slide

Swirlies - Wait Forever
Nothing Painted Blue - Another Child Bride

The Police - So Lonely

Blow Your Harmonica, Son

Years ago, I lived in Baltimore and while there I saw many, many concerts. These days, I'm lucky if I see 3 or 4 a year, but back when I was fresh out of school and had not yet reproduced, I had a lot more time to visit cramped clubs just so I could further ruin my hearing and end up stinking like cigarette smoke and stale beer. As I said, I saw lots of shows during that time, many of them great, but none stand out in my memory as much as the one I saw on the night of June 5, 2000.

Why so memorable? So many reasons. First, it was at Pier 6 in Baltimore, an outdoor venue right on the water of the Inner Harbor so it was a lovely place to be on a Summer evening. Second, it was free. Somehow, my friend Dylan had scored 2 free tickets to the show through a friend of a friend so we didn't have to pay $30 like the rest of the suckers. Last and most importantly, the lineup was stellar: Blaque, Eiffel 65, Sonique, Vitamin C, Hanson and Jessica Simpson. I know! Superawesome, right?

Not sure if we could stomach a full evening of slick radio pop, we showed up fashionably late. As we walked toward the harbor, the sweet sounds of Vitamin C's megahit "Graduation Song" filled the air. Wordlessly, we turned to each other with horrified looks on our faces. There was no way we were going to miss "Graduation Song." Dylan and I sprinted toward the gate, fumbling for our tickets, hoping to catch at least the last few seconds of this masterpiece but no luck. We hadn't even entered the venue and already the night was marred by tragedy. The roar of the crowd let us know that what we feared most was actually happening - Vitamin C had finished her set and was leaving the stage. We didn't even get a glimpse of her Kool-Aid Orange hair.

Finally, we were allowed to enter the pavilion and the sight nearly turned us right around. The place was swarming with preteen girls. It was like sticking your head into a hornet's nest full of TRL fans. Strange, candy scented perfumes filled the air and seemingly each and every girl had a glow stick in hand. Were they given out at the door and if so, why didn't I get one? We felt extremely awkward immediately and tried not to make eye contact with any of them for fear of being misconstrued as some sort of weird perverts hanging out at the Hanson show hoping to find a date. I spotted a few parents trying to fade into the background and that just made me feel weirder as I made my way to my seat. "Who are these two goons and why are they here to corrupt our daughters," I imagined them thinking. Dylan and I took our places and stood perfectly still, staring straight ahead and wishing that the next band would start already for Chrissakes!

Hanson erupted onto the stage and blew my mind. This was some sort of pop attack showcase so each artist was only allowed a very short set. The Hanson boys made the most of their sliver of time and knocked the crowd out with a tight, near-perfect lineup of "MMM Bop" madness and hot harmonica action. Isaac or Taylor or whichever one is the pretty lead singer wailed on that thing to the delight of myself and the rest of the crowd. My knees nearly buckled as they absolutely killed a nasty blues workout and educated those kids on what real music is like. For a brief shining moment, the dirty south broke through the plastic sheen of the evening only to be quickly whisked away as Hanson's time was up. Inside I screamed for more as the brothers left the stage. Only the sight of 10,000 glow sticks shaking in the night brought me back to reality so I kept my mouth shut for fear of drawing attention to Dylan and me, the weird Narcs in row 38.

The closing set of the night was provided by Jessica Simpson. At the time, I had no idea who she was. This was before her renaissance as a reality tv queen and Chicken of the Sea aficionado. To me, she was just another interchangeable female pop star but the 12 year olds surrounding me would have had no trouble picking her from a lineup. After the glow of Hanson, there was really no reason to stick around but Dylan and I decided to give the girl a chance. Jessica came out in some bizarre school girlish outfit which did nothing to help me feel more comfortable in this setting. She had a white shirt tied in a knot at her stomach and a black leather skirt. As the crowd squealed, she paraded around the stage smiling stupidly and nodding at the sea of fans writhing before her. I was starting to sweat. We didn't belong here. We probably never should have come in the first place but how could I say no to such a spectacle? The programmed beats started up and Jessica began to sing a song that was so completely bland and forgettable that I couldn't remember it even while it was playing. There was absolutely nothing keeping us here at this point yet we still couldn't bring ourselves to leave since I didn't really want to wade through a sea of dancing kids, bobbing and weaving around the bouncing glowsticks and flopping ponytails, desperately trying to find the exit. But then she started spanking her own ass and we had to get the hell out of there.

Suffering From Mothra Mouth

Mothra recently lamented on this very blog about how he was using the word fantastic too much on our radio program. Loyal readers came to his rescue and he expanded his word power thanks to you all. Maybe you could rally together and help out our pal John Darnielle, too. Pitchfork featured an interview with him last week and in it he uses the word great 15 times and throws in a bunch of goods and awesomes too. It's pretty astounding to read because in his music, he seems to have a great grasp of the language and the possibilities it offers. I know casual conversation about ringtones is nothing like sitting down and working on song lyrics but I found his limited vocabulary rather shocking. I was also floored to find out that he loves Law & Order so much, regardless of whether it's Original Flavor or one of those Extra Crispy spinoffs. He even goes out of way to praise Sam Waterson. Seriously? Him? At least he didn't say anything kind about Jerry Orbach because if he did, I would have to immediately rid my collection of all Mountain Goats albums and renew my vow to never see Dirty Dancing ever even though I was just given the Ultimate Edition recently as a gift. But then Mr. Darnielle reinstilled my love for him by praising Paper Mario and Super Mario Galaxy which are both superawesome and he's right to speak of them so highly. But Law & Order? That dreck is the antithesis of great.

The Actual Battle of the Earth Itself

Joan Jett is back for more battling action, and this time she's brought a secret weapon: the Thundertube!

Vampire Weekend - One (Blake's Got a New Face)
Talking Heads - Stay Up Late

Wolf Parade - This Heart's on Fire
The Smithereens - In a Lonely Place

Camera Obscura - Lloyd, I'm Ready To Be Heartbroken
Saturday Looks Good to Me - Meet Me By the Water

Belle & Sebastian - The Blues are Still Blue
Michael Jackson - Human Nature

The Monkees - Let's Dance On
The Go-Gos - Tonite

Voxtrot - Long Haul
Bruce Springsteen - Sherry Darling

John McCutcheon - John Henry
CCR - It Came Out of the Sky

Dolly Parton - I Will Always Love You
Animal Collective - Did You See the World?

Cyndi Lauper - When You Were Mine
Liars - We Live NE of Compton

The Shins - Fighting in a Sack
The New Pornographers - Use It

Death Cab for Cutie - 405
Cat Stevens - The Wind

The Rentals - The Love I'm Searching For
Modest Mouse - Sleepwalking

Ben Folds Five - Mess